Huge lines

As I drove around M Street on Saturday afternoon, I couldn't believe my eyes at the huge line outside the PostSecret exhibition waiting to see the show! If this show doesn't or didn't make your own Top Ten list, then I really think that you ought to consider the fact that the last time that anyone lined up to see a visual arts show in DC was for a dude named Vermeer, and previous to that for Van Gogh; now add Frank Warren to the list.

I wonder if Warren is considering traveling this show to other venues?

Amy Lin saw the lines as well and took some photos; see one below:


The book, PostSecret Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives compiled by Frank Warren, with a foreword by Anne C. Fisher, Ph.D. is today number 27 in Amazon's best-seller list!

Rejected

Rejected from the 2006 Northern Virginia Fine Arts Festival, which really sucks, since it's one of my biggest (personal) moneymaking oulets for my own work.

It's staged by the Greater Reston Arts Center in Virginia. Later this year I will be curating "Text: Phase II" for them, bringing together again the artists who were in the Text gallery at Seven.

Interface

One of the most unique and eye-popping shows that we've hosted since we opened in 1996 will debut to the public next Friday in Bethesda.

Curated by Catriona Fraser, and in preparation for over a year, the exhibition is titled "Interface," and it seeks to explore the marriage and coming together of technology with contemporary art in the context of the latter.

Through the use of robotics, magnetism, motorized works, video, lasers and computers, both area artists and invited artists from New York and Los Angeles explore the unavoidable marriage of modern technology with contemporary art.

"We seek to explore and to show," says Fraser, "what happens when talented and creative individuals, with a proven record of using technology as an integral part of their art, are given free reign to deliver a new work of art within that dialogue."

The exhibition includes new work by Kathryn Cornelius, Claire Watkins, Scott Hutchison, Thomas Edwards, Philip Kohn, Andrew Wodzianski, David Page and others. A catered opening reception for the artists (free and open to the public) will be held on Friday, January 13 from 6pm - 9pm. The exhibition runs through February 8, 2006.

And one of the artists in the show is looking for volunteers to assist with the art event itself.


David Page (who was the 2004 Trawick Prize winner - one of his projects is pictured) needs two volunteers 5'8" or smaller, weighing 160lbs or less (and over 18 years of age). They should not be claustrophobic, asthmatic and should be in general good health. Contact David at david@davidpageartist.com.

And see ya there!

Be ready for something really new -- and be steady!

Every Picture Tells A Story

I dropped by real quickly yesterday to chat with Clark at MOCA and while there I walked through MOCA's current show: Every Picture Tells A Story.

Like any group show, it's a mixed bag. In this case the show's best work is a huge (around eight feet tall) oil by Erik Sandberg, a Caravaggioesque oil of MOCA co-director David Quammen, depicting Quammen sitting down and cutting (I think) his toenails (or maybe his toes) with a menacing cleaver.

Sandberg is an amazing painter, and this is one of the largest paintings by Erik that I have seen in years.

I also liked the skilled drawings of Jennifer Schoechle; other work that I liked were the photographs by Joel Fassler, Chris Harrop and Renee Woodward - all very sensual and erotic.

The show runs through January 27, 2006.

Touchstone

Each year Touchstone Gallery showcases the works of new members of the Touchstone Gallery in a special exhibit. The new member show, "Latest Additions," presents the art of five new members: Jim Church, Harvey Kupferberg, Emery Lewis, Jan Sherfy and Charles St. Charles. Opening Reception: Friday, January 13, 2006, 6 - 8:30PM. Show runs though February 5, 2006.

Fusebox guessing

Nearly recovered from the shock of learning that Fusebox Gallery is closing after the show that opens tonight.

If I may enter into some guessing as to what will happen to their terrific space: I believe that another gallery will step into it almost immediately.

Why? Because I recall that Sarah and Patrick had a incredibly long lease (like a 15 year lease) for the space; it apparently worked to give them a sweet deal rent-wise, but a lease is a lease.

So my guess is that they may have worked out a deal with their landlord (I hope) for another art venue to take over the space.

Since many of you have emailed me asking: It's not us.

As reported in the Examiner, and as many of you know, we're closing our Georgetown space soon (news relase will be out in the next few days) as a result of a desire to concentrate on the Bethesda space and because of the construction mess that M Street will soon become. More on all that later.

It's not the new Heineman-Myers Gallery either; Zoe shopped exhaustively for a large space on the 14th Street corridor, but the space that she really wanted was given to a restaurant, so she will soon be opening a huge new gallery in Bethesda.

Kirkland guesses over at Thinking About Art that it may be Conner or Irvine, and I agree with his guess.

Fusebox will be missed.

It was not only a leader and one of the top galleries in our region, but also a very hardworking gallery (and ruthless if you believe this), who did a lot not only for their artists, but also for our region's cultural tapestry.

We all wish Sarah and Patrick the best of luck in San Francisco.

Watson's Top Ten

Amy Watson pens ARTery and her top 10 list of all sorts is here and also reproduced (a bit edited) below:

Favorite piece of my [her] own writing: review of Sacred Wild at apexart.

Favorite museum show: Basquiat at the Brooklyn Museum.

Favorite art writing (published): The American Sublime by Arthur Danto.

Favorite art writing (online): Tyler Green on Shirin Neshat.

Favorite art satire (online): George W. Bush as Performance Artist.

Favorite art satire (television): The Gates on the The Daily Show.

Favorite non-museum art: Chapel of Sacred Mirrors, by Alex Grey.

Favorite Top-Ten list: James Bailey, on DC Art News.

Favorite Blog: Eyeteeth

Last weekend

I'm at the Georgetown gallery from 12-6PM today, as it's the last weekend for my annual exhibition (it closes next Wednesday).

See ya there!

Something new for the Mansion

Three photographers who capture images of themselves as a key element in their work will be on display at Rockville’s Glenview Mansion, January 8 - 31, 2006. Gathered under the banner "The Lens as Mirror," the exhibit brings together the work of Gary A. Wolfe, Sara Pomerance, and John Borstel. Mixed-media artist Theresa Knight McFadden will complete the exhibition lineup, providing a sculptural counterpoint to the photography.

This exhibition is something "new" for the Mansion; in fact a giant forward step into a more provocative look at the visual arts. From the news release:

Gary A. Wolfe takes pictures of himself in motel rooms, documenting the details of environments that will seem familiar to anyone who travels in the USA: TV consoles, wall-mounted lamps, wood-grain Formica and stain-resistant upholstery. He also documents himself as a kind of everyman-in-underwear, stripped of any symbols of status or profession. Isolated and vulnerable, he nonetheless creates a human imprint on sterile surroundings. "Have I been here before?" these black-and-white images ask. "Have you?"

Sara Pomerance, blends "narrative mystery and whimsy in a beguiling recipe that yield[s] a sense of the unexpected complexity of human life... Her human subjects are caught in positions of poise, as if stilled by her attention" -- Andy Grundberg, Photography Chair at the Corcoran College of Art + Design. Among those human subjects is Pomerance herself, who sometimes appears in her images, but isn’t always recognizable, who sometimes asserts herself with a decisive gesture, at other times recedes as a fragment or shadow.

John Borstel employs self-imagery as a form of overtly theatrical performance. Striking stylized or declarative poses, Borstel uses props, costumes, and sundry adornments. At times these implements produce masquerade-like transformations of age, gender, and character. At other times they make more subtle points, as the images are anchored to short texts drawn from such sources as Sir James Fraser’s The Golden Bough and an old manual on traditional Japanese puppetry.

This trio represents a range of two generations, two genders and three points of view, offering a stimulating capsule of contemporary self-imaging.

---

Glenview Mansion is located in Rockville Civic Center Park at 603 Edmonston Drive in Rockville, MD. Gallery hours are Monday, Wednesday and Friday 9 a.m. - 4:30 p.m., Tuesday and Thursday, 9 a.m. - 9 p.m. An artists’ reception takes place 1 to 4 p.m. on Sunday, January 8. The Gallery offers an artist talk at 7:30 p.m. on Thursday, January 12 and a guided tour at 10 a.m. on Friday, January 13. For information call 240-314-8682 or 240-314-8660 or visit www.rockvillemd.gov. For recorded directions call 240-314-8660.

Drawing from the model

I get a lot of emails from artists asking about where they can go to draw from the model in the Greater DC region.

The Arlington Arts Center now offers life drawing sessions with access to a professional model. Just drop-in to their life drawing sessions on Wednesday nights or Saturday afternoons. They provide the model, you bring your materials. Cost is $15 a session, or buy a discount pass for six sessions for $60.

To register or to get more information on their classes check out their website at www.arlingtonartscenter.org.

And then there was one...


2005 has been our most successful year ever; more on this later.

Whitmore at Fusebox

Tomorrow Fusebox opens the new year with two new exhibitions: Vesna Pavlović: Collection/Kolekcija in their main exhibition space, and Ian Whitmore: Little Lies in their project space.

With three shows in the last three years, Whitmore continues to stay in the limelight as one of DC's best-known and most creative and aggressive painters. He's an amazing talent and I am truly looking forward to seeing what he's been working on.

The exhibitions open January 7 and run through February 11, 2006. A reception for the artists will be held Saturday, January 7, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm.

Update: This will be the gallery's last show; from Sarah Finlay this news release:

After a remarkable and rewarding five years, co-owners Sarah Finlay and Patrick Murcia regretfully announce the closing of Fusebox effective February 11, 2006.

As many of you know, Patrick Murcia, my husband and co-director of Fusebox, has for the past five years diligently balanced his demanding full-time position in the nonprofit housing world with his substantial responsibilities here at Fusebox. He now has an opportunity with his organization in San Francisco, and we, as a family, have made the difficult decision to close the gallery and relocate.

We can never fully express our gratitude to this community for its overwhelming support. We believe more than ever in the viability of Washington as home to a vibrant, internationally relevant contemporary art scene. We hope above all that our success has helped to affirm that potential. We are indebted to the other galleries and nonprofits on 14th for their collegiality, professionalism, and commitment to excellence; and for taking the risk to come here and create a critical mass of exceptional art spaces on the 14th Street corridor.

Of course, no commercial gallery can survive without avid collectors, and we have been so fortunate to work with an amazing community of intelligent, passionate people. These individuals deserve so much credit for substantially raising the bar in Washington--for zealously participating, for educating themselves, and for enthusiastically supporting excellent artists both within and outside this community.

Most important, we want to publicly express our deepest gratitude to the 18 artists who have been such an integral part of our lives for the past 5 years. Beyond providing us with a first class program, they have generously shared their time, their ideas, and their friendship. They have made it incredibly easy for us to realize our mission of furthering their careers. Every one of them has made huge strides professionally during our tenure representing them. We have every confidence that all of these extraordinary artists will continue to do great things.

Special thanks also go to our Assistant Director, Kevin Hull, for his uncompromising commitment, and to the many talented and ambitious young interns who have enriched our lives and helped in every aspect of the gallery’s operation--without them we could not have succeeded.

In closing, we want to reiterate that this art community has so much to offer and so much potential for continued growth and significance. We hope that any void we might be leaving will be quickly filled by another promising new gallery, and that this rich community of critics, curators, academics, gallerists, artists, students, and collectors will give them the same generous support and encouragement they gave us. Thank you one and all.

Silverthorne's Top Ten

Alexandra Silverthorne is another one of those DC area art fans who really gets around to the galleries. In fact, I would dare to guess that Silverthorne is among the top five gallery visitors in our area. And that's good, because she gets to see and comment on a hugely diverse set of exhibitions, not just the top ten galleries or so. And thus more power to her for adding some shows that she wished she had seen to her list. Alexandra's top 10 visual arts show of 2005 is posted here and reproduced below:

So instead, here are my lists (in no particular order).

Top 5 Favorite Area Exhibits
Andre Kertesz @ NGA
Carolina Sardi @ Flashpoint
Cynthia Connolly @ Transformer
Sam Gilliam @ The Corcoran
Sean Scully @ The Philips

Top 5 Area Exhibits I Wish I Had Seen
Jose Ruiz @ G Fine Art
Kelly Towles @ Adamson
Jiha Moon @ Curator's Office
Tim Tate @ Fraser Bethesda
Dan Steinhilber @ Numark

Honorable Mentions I Did See
Seven @ WPA/C / The Warehouse
Post Secret @ WPA/C
Gabriela Bulisova @ Fraser Georgetown

Read Bailey's interview of Silverthorne here.

Congratulations

To DC area artists Dan Steinhilber and Yuriko Yamaguchi, who have been selected as recipients of the Joan Mitchell Foundation Painters and Sculptors Grant Program Awards for 2005.

Both artists are represented by Numark Gallery.

Fred Ognibene's Top Ten

Fred Ognibene is one of our area's best-known art collectors and below is his list for the top ten 2005 visual art exhibitions:

1. Gina Brocker, Photographs from the Series ‘The Donovans and Other Settled Travelers’ at Irvine Contemporary
2. Ian Whitmore, Mirror, Mirror at Fusebox
3. Dan Steinhilber at Numark
4. Linn Meyers, Current at G Fine Art
5. Jiha Moon, Symbioland at Curator's Office
6. Barbara Probst at G Fine Art
7. Scott Treleaven at Conner Contemporary
8. Patrick Wilson at Fusebox and at Suzanne Vielmeter Gallery in Culver City (Los Angeles)
9. Visual Music at the Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden
10. Robert Mapplethorpe and the Classical Tradition, Photographs and Mannerist Prints at the Guggenheim Museum, NYC

Bethesda Painting Awards

Deadline: Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Bethesda Arts & Entertainment District is currently accepting applications for the second annual Bethesda Painting Awards, a juried competition honoring four selected painters with $14,000 in prize monies. Deadline for slide submission is Tuesday, January 31, 2006. Up to eight finalists will be invited to display their work from June 7 – July 12, 2006 in downtown Bethesda at our Fraser Gallery.

The competition will be juried by Janis Goodman, Associate Professor of Fine Arts at the Corcoran College of Art & Design and the visual arts reviewer for WETA's Around Town; Ron Johnson, Assistant Professor of Painting at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) and Barry Nemett, Chair of the Painting Department at the Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA).

The first place winner will be awarded $10,000; second place will be honored with $2,000 and third place will be awarded $1,000. A “young” artist whose birth date is after January 31, 1976 will also be awarded $1,000.

Artists must be 18 years of age or older and residents of Maryland, Virginia or Washington, D.C. All original 2-D painting including oil, acrylic, watercolor, gouache, encaustic and mixed media will be accepted. The maximum dimension should not exceed 60 inches in width or 84 inches in height. No reproductions. Artwork must have been completed within the last two years and must be available for the duration of the exhibition.

Each artist must submit five slides, application and a non-refundable entry fee of $25.

The Bethesda Painting Awards was established by local business owner Carol Trawick in 2005, who continues to be a beacon of light and a great example as a small business woman who puts her money where her mouth is. Ms. Trawick has served as a community activist for more than 20 years in downtown Bethesda. She is Chair of the Bethesda Arts & Entertainment District, Past Chair of the Bethesda Urban Partnership, Inc. and founder of The Trawick Prize, which has already launched several area artists' careers. Ms. Trawick is the owner of an Information Technology company in Bethesda, Trawick & Associates.

My business partner, Catriona Fraser, an award-winning photographer, curator and juror, is the non-voting Chair of the Bethesda Painting Awards. Ms. Fraser has directed the Fraser Gallery, with locations in Bethesda, MD and Washington, D.C. since 1996. Ms. Fraser is also the Chair of The Trawick Prize and Director of the highly acclaimed Bethesda Fine Arts Festival.

The inaugural Bethesda Painting Awards were held in June 2005. Joe Kabriel from Annapolis, MD was awarded “Best in Show” with $10,000; John Aquilino of Rockville, MD was named second place and was given $2,000; Dominique Samyn-Werbrouck of Alexandria, VA was awarded third place and received $1,000 and the “Young Artist” award of $1,000 was given to Catherine Lees of Baltimore, MD.

For a complete submission form, please call 301/215-6660, visit www.bethesda.org or send a self-addressed stamped envelope to:

Bethesda Painting Awards
c/o Bethesda Arts & Entertainment District
7700 Old Georgetown Road
Bethesda, MD 20814

Airborne today and heading back home... more later.

Kirkland's Top Ten

J.T. Kirkland is the wood dude and Thinking About Art blogger. His top ten visual art shows of the year are here and also summarized below:

1. Andre Kertesz @ National Gallery of Art (DC)
2. Dan Flavin: A Retrospective @ National Gallery of Art (DC)
3. Cy Twombly Installation at Philadelphia Museum of Art
4. Linn Meyers @ G Fine Art (DC) and Margaret Thatcher Projects (NYC)
5. Bruce Nauman - Raw Materials @ Tate Modern Turbine Hall (London)
6. Logical Conclusions: 40 Years of Rule-Based Art @ Pace Wildenstein (NYC)
7. Shelley Spector @ Painted Bride Art Center (Philly)
8. Jiha Moon: Symbioland @ Curator's Office (DC)
9. David Ryan @ Numark (DC)
10. J.T. Kirkland: Studies in Organic Minimalism @ University of Phoenix (VA)

Honorable Mentions
William Betts @ Thomas Werner Gallery (NYC)
Barbara Probst @ G Fine Art (DC)
Scott Treleaven @ Conner Contemporary (DC)
Sam Gilliam's retrospective at The Corcoran Gallery of Art (DC)

Bailey's Top Ten

Bailey, Bailey, Bailey... herewith the Reverend's top 10 visual somethings for 2005. Whatever you do in life, don't ever piss Bailey off:

The Right Reverend James W. Bailey’s Top Ten 2005 Metro Washington, D.C. Area Friendly Fire Art Attacks

But first…

"That Ole’ Time Religion Postmodern Art Healing Touch"

A radio ministry of the Black Cat Bone Global Media Empire

Presents

A new and improved version of an ancient story handed down from generation to generation in the Great State of Mississippi.

Oh, brothers and sisters, turn off all the electric lights in your home, light your Hoodoo candle, and gather around the radio in fellowship. While raising your right hand up high to shake hands with Jesus, slowly reach out with your left hand and touch the back of that glorious machine. Are you feeling the divine heat of the spiritual energy radiating from those cosmic radio tubes?

People get ready because the Lord has a special message that He’s asked Brother James to share with you tonight...

Once upon a time...

A French deconstructionist professor confined to a wheelchair — who was on loan from the Sorbonne to the art department at the University of Mississippi — entered a juke joint just outside of Itta Bena, Mississippi, and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The professor sat down, intently surveyed the patrons, and was shocked to realize he recognized one:

“Excusez-moi madame, but tis that the Jesus Christ sitting over there?” he asked the waitress.

The waitress nodded “yes,” so the professor told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, “with my greatest pleasure.”

Now the next customer to come in was another French art professor/marketing director with a severely hunched back — a hard core postmodernist on loan from the international marketing department of Air France to the art department at Mississippi State University. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a social construct of a meaningless cup of relativist hot tea.

All of a sudden this professor’s eyes nearly bugged out when he surveyed the restaurant:

“Excusez-moi madame, tis that a social construct of ‘the Jesus Christ’ symbol sitting over there in that imaginary word ‘chair’ that we commonly refer to as ‘a chair’?” he asked the waitress.

The waitress again nodded, “yes,” and the second French professor said to give the “unreal Jesus” an “unreal cup” of “relativist hot tea, with great respect as my special treat,” as he emphasized the quotes around his words by making air quote marks with his fingers.

Now the third customer to come into the juke joint was a not so terribly famous big-fish-in-a-small-goldfish-bowl local Mississippi born and bred redneck artist who was dramatically limping on crutches accompanied by a loudly self-proclaimed agony for all to hear. He clumsily and noisily hobbled on over to a booth, after nearly knocking all the other tables over, sat down with much commotion and hollered out in his sexiest drawl, “Hey der, sweet thang! How's ‘bout pushin’ ya hot buns on ova hare n’ brang wit ya a tall cold glass of Coke wit lots of ice! Gotdam, girl! Just lookin’ at ya puts me on far, darlin’! Please hurry up wit dat Coke, baby, and come on ova hare and sit ya sweet cheeks down in ma lap. I think dat would help cool me on down, honey!"

Now after the Mississippi redneck artist finished loudly plopping his found-in-the-middle-of-the-parking-lot discarded can of Skoal chewing tobacco, assembled collection of borrowed-from-barfly-friends unfiltered cigarettes, shoplifted bottle of Jim Beam whiskey, and ripped-off from his doctor’s office pens, pencils, and drawing pad on his table, he also surveyed the juke joint, and his tongue nearly rolled out of his mouth on to the floor when he recognized what had drawn the attention of the two French art professors:

“Holy shit, Ruby!” he exclaimed to the waitress (who was also his ex-wife’s former lesbian girlfriend’s third cousin twice removed), "Is dat God's only boy sittin’ ova dare all by his lonesome self? I can’t believe dis shit, Ruby, but dat dude looks jest lack a young Elvis!"

Ruby the waitress once again nodded, “yes,” that it was indeed Jesus, so the Mississippi redneck artist said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill, sweetheart, n’ ya know I’m good fer dat shit dis time, baby, you jest know I am!”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the French deconstructionist professor, touched him on his forehead and said, “Bless you my son. For your generosity and kindness, you are healed.” The professor suddenly felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and did a blues dance right out the door of the juke joint while joyfully proclaiming in plain spoken English the global virtues of American high energy CIA-approved-for-mass-capitalist-consumption white male dominated abstract expressionism and minimalism.

Jesus also passed by the hard core French postmodernist art director professor, touched him on his forehead and said, “Bless you my son. For your generosity and kindness, you are healed.” The professor suddenly felt his social construct of a screwed-up back straightening up, and he raised his hands high up toward the heavens, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door of the juke joint while cursing the writings of Michele Foucault and Jacques Derrida.

… then Jesus walked up to the Mississippi redneck artist.

But before Jesus could touch his forehead, the Mississippi redneck artist bolted out of his chair, backed-up in a heartbeat 10 feet away from Jesus (without the use of his crutches) and yelled out like a four-paw-trapped wild cat [writer’s note: that’s an old timer north Mississippi hunter’s slang expression for a critter that’s been trapped with its back up against the wall so tight by a gang of rabid hound dogs that all it know to do is scream as loud as possible for heavenly mercy] in an amateur veterinarian’s office that had just been cruelly inserted with angry water moccasin enema, “Now hold on jest a gotdam minute, son, don't you dare fuckin’ touch me! Hell, boy, I’m a gotdam artist! Can’t you see dat I wuz jest sittin’ at dis damn table mindin’ my own fuckin’ bidness?! I don’t need you to touch me, Jesus!”

“I apologize to you, my son. I meant you no harm. I also happen to love art. What kind of artist are you and what is it that you are working on with your pens, pencils, and drawing pad?” asked Jesus.

“Son, I’m a gotdam con artist and I WUZ workin’ on dis shitload of fuckin’ insurance paperwork dat my lawyer sent ova to me concernin’ my slip n’ fall at da Piggly-Wiggly in Jackson. Or at least I wuz workin’ on dat shit till you started fuckin’ wit me! But anyways, to ansa ya questions, dat lawyer of mine is a damn good art teacher, Jesus. He’s teachin’ me how to draw social security disability!”

---

And the winners are, in no particular order…

1. Best Fly-By Night “Curator” – Libby Lumpkin with OPTIONS 05. Thanks, Libby, for drifting into town in the middle of the night and offering an L.A. jet lag MFA-centric eulogy for the death of the D.C. avant garde. What a shame D.C.’s most radical art didn’t qualify for a proper burial spot at Arlington Cemetery. Surely the federal government must have had at least a postage stamp size piece of ground available that could have easily accommodated the microscopic size corpse of envelope-pushing art that you curatorially told us no longer exists in the nation’s capital. Of course, we all know there’s never really been a lot of avant garde art in the first place to be found in Washington, D.C., so we probably could have easily buried the entirety of the history of this body of work in one or two plots at most. I suppose, if push had come to shove during OPTIONS 05, we could have demanded the exhumation of a couple of bodies of unindicted war criminal generals from the Johnson and Nixon administrations to make room for a final decent resting spot for the collective body of D.C.’s cutting-edge art.

2. Best Shit Happens Street Art Project…Literally — Mark Jenkins for Fresh Shit. The sign of a truly great artistic genius is the sheer bold audacity to publicly embarrass one’s self, to stand out and above and beyond the lame crowd of sacrificial sycophant ass-kissing wannabe artist lambs, to risk complete utter flaming disastrous failure. Some think Mark did a Florida Everglades-style Value Jet landing with Fresh Shit. I’m not one of them. Mark injects a desperately needed sense of humor in today’s dry, boring, predictable, and pedantic art environment with his richly entertaining and thought-provoking work. 3-D street art is the future. Mark has given us a glimpse of what’s to come. And even if Fresh Shit was DOA in D.C., I’ll gladly take a non-FAA-approved Mark Jenkins’s crash and burn over a 1,000 artists at the airport in Chelsea doing TSA required check-in cartwheels for the approval of the international art press any day.

3. Best Art Review Published on a Metro D.C. Area Art Blog — "Ian Whitemore at Fusebox" by Kriston Capps of Grammarpolice.net. I disagree with 99.9 percent of what Kriston writes. His predictably tight-ass politics makes me want to toss my crazy vet uncle’s Vietnam War-era live hand grenade through my computer screen. But I love to read what he writes because I also can not stand to constantly sit in my car by myself in-taking exhaust pipe opinions with the windows rolled up that are too much in smell-sync with my own — although I do very much enjoy corresponding with Ted “The Unabomber” Kaczynski on mutual subjects of intense narrow-minded interest. Kriston’s art criticism soars when he dares to leave his Democratic National Committee anti-Bush talking points at home on the fax machine. His review of Ian Whitemore’s show is one of many such fine examples to be found on Grammarpolice.net. I want Kriston to know that when my right wing buddies at Opus Dei, the Masons and the Sons of Confederate Veterans finally exert some real control over this damn country by weeding out all these pissant neo-con Republicans, I’m gonna make sure that Kriston is given a pass on being locked up in one of the many very large and very PUBLIC — not secret — torture prison camps that we aim to set up across the nation to properly discipline all these out of control east coast liberal arts media sinners. Kriston will naturally have to change his name while on the lam in the new America we intend to found, but I’ll be happy to covertly fund his pirate art blog so he can continue to aggravate the hell out of me from an undisclosed location.

4. Best Pull-A-Wild-Hair-Cultural-Master-Plan-Idea-Out-Of-My-Ass by Blake Gopnik — Just days before David Levy, former President and CEO of the Corcoran, resigned and the Gehry titanium overcoat fantasy for the old Corcoran building imploded, the Washington Post, in a really bizarre move that I attribute to a rave party overflowing with homemade X that must have been held in the editorial offices the night before publication, published Blake’s wonderful idea for turning the Corcoran Gallery of Art into the National Museum of Easily Accessible Dumbass Tourist Snap-Shot Photographs. Thanks for this immensely entertaining read, Blake — we all look forward to your lengthy post-U.S.-withdrawal-of-troops-from-Iraq cultural master plan that will no doubt be published by the Washington Post just days before the invasion of what’s left of Iraq by a coalition of social realist troops from Iran, North Korea, and China.

5. Best Human Interest Story Published on a Metro D.C. Area Art Blog — [Special note: Fairness required that I eliminate myself and my insane Deep South stories for consideration in this competition.] Once I eliminated myself, there was no serious competition in this category. The hands-down favorite knee-slapping gut-wrenching laugh-out-loud-till-you-drop-dead story was F. Lennox Campello’s Tentacles (A man, an axe and a doctor: A tale of pain and art). Note to fellow national art bloggers: Look, we all enjoy your opinions, ideas, thoughts, suggestions, reviews, spin, rants, crying, whining, and neverending self-absorbed complaining about why you ain’t the big cheese in New York yet because the ignorant art powers that be have failed to grasp the genius of your earth-shattering originality and such, but take a lesson from Lenny and learn to open up more about who you really are if you really want to be a rich, famous, successful, and highly-collected artist. Know ye the #1 Intelligent Design Law of the Art Universe: People DON’T remember art, they remember PEOPLE. Hundreds of millions of people on this planet know who Picasso was, yet the tiniest fraction of those people have ever seen (or will ever see) an original Picasso painting in person. Picasso is known throughout the world, not because of his art, but because Picasso had a great story to tell. And it damn sure helps to have people remember you as an artist if you have a great story to tell, too. As my grandfather in Mississippi used to say, "You don’t have to be a great story teller to tell a great story." We need more and better stories being told on art blogs. Hell, if you don’t know any good stories, make one up. I do it all the time.

6. Best Young Female Photographer to Jump Out of the Sensual Frying Pan and Straight Into the Hot Erotic Oven — Samantha Wolov for her Anti-Porn series. Folks, this young lady is going places and in a hurry — if you’re a collector, place your bets now! It takes most artists a long long time to get their engines warmed up. Samantha started out on fire in a suped-up Camaro before she even had a legal license to drive. I predict within the next couple of years this hot photographer will be tooling around in D.C. in a Lamborghini that will make Cam’ron jealous – and, hopefully, unlike Cam’ron, Samantha will fork over the dead presidents for the bullet-proof model. Great art reminds us that the best things in life are sinless. At the top of that best things in life list is passion. Samantha’s passion for life compels her toward a portrayal of sinless sex in art. This is a message that this constipated country needs to see and hear every day. Why’s America so screwed-up? Because there simply aren’t enough people in America living passionate artistic lives that are willing to embrace a sinless aesthetic point of view about life. Samantha’s work will be relevant for years to come because America has a long ways to go in the sinless artist behavior department.

7. Best Young Male Artist With the Biggest Pair of Balls — It wasn’t even close this year people — his name is Borf. How in the world did this kid do what he did? While you and I were sleeping in our beds at night, maybe plotting our next Art Basel Miami art move, or clicking through the Fox news programs so we would have something to scream at Bush about (all you liberals know you love watching Bill O’Reilly, don’t you?! Sure you do…), or maybe downloading a video from our favorite porn site while our wives, husbands, girlfriends, or boyfriends slept, whatever, Borf was all over the damn place sticking his finger in the bespeckeled corrupt lobbyist liar eye of the most repressed buttoned-down corncob in the ass anal retentive city in the country…uh, with the possible exception of Salt Lake City, Utah. Just standing near his large Constitution Avenue exit sign tag earlier this year sent a shiver of arthritis through my knees. It also made me a bit queasy to stretch my neck up to look at it because I’m also somewhat terrified (being from a below sea level place like New Orleans) of being arrested by cops above ground level. Brothers and sisters, wake up and realize that we now live in a post-911 control-freak country run by a bunch of bi-party control-freaks who are propped-up by dual constituencies of control-freaks who have shown that they are more than willing to let Democratic and Republican assholes on both sides of the aisle assume total fucking control of almost every damn thing that people ought to be left alone to decide for themselves. Borf’s message is an irritating asinine disrespectful young punk middle finger to all these useless conniving lying political jerks and the control-freak idiots that vote for them. And all of them deserve it and more. God bless Borf for pointing his middle finger in the right direction.

8. Best Metro D.C. Area Artist Who Should Have Received a Whitney 2006 Biennial Invite — My nomination is Joseph Barbaccia. When I view (experience) Joseph’s art, I’m immediately reminded of how utterly useless and distracting it is to try and pen words to describe the experience of mind-enhancing mind-blowing and mind-altering art. Amy from The ARTery made a masterful attempt. I, however, am at a complete loss for words to describe Joseph’s art — but if I were forced to attempt to do so at gunpoint, the closest word would be “unworldly.” I have often imagined that if I were standing in the middle of a cornfield during a moonless night on my historic Bailey family property located way back yonder at the end of an abandoned gravel road in the piney hills of north central Mississippi, and if an alien space craft were to suddenly appear overhead and suck me up into its belly and transport my ass across inter-galactic space and time and then deposit me in the middle of their most respected cutting-edge contemporary art space, that I would wake up and find that I was surrounded by a host of mysterious, magical and sublime objects that strongly resemble Joseph’s work. Joseph’s mind, and his art (which in Joseph’s case is his mind), are from another planet. How I wish I had a star chart that showed me how to get there, because it’s a place I would love to live out the rest of my life. For now, I’ll have to wage war with my fellow humans fighting Beltway traffic to see Joseph’s work on planet Earth.

9. Best Upper-Middle Class White Girl Binge and Purge A Long Envious List of Encumbering Useless Stuff Except for Her Computer and Web Site Performance Art Project — Melissa Ichiuji for "Stripped." Thanks Melissa for reminding all of us lower class white artists who daily struggle to pay our unaffordable mortgages on our cracker box-size townhouses in this bullshit Northern Virginia real estate market just how valuable the little bit of shit we have is, how thankful we should be for having it and how strongly we should hold on to it…just in case we need to pawn it in order to pay our monthly home owner’s association dues. I will acknowledge that Melissa’s performance did in fact inspire me to sacrifice a few frivolous things in my own life: I don’t rent from Blockbuster anymore; I’m a Netflix man now. I’ve cut down from eating at the Silver Diner in Reston from five times a week to no more than two. But most importantly, I’ve completely cut out paying for over priced bottles of puffed-up bullshit wine produced in Northern Virginia; I’ve come back home to the real stuff from France. I will not, however, EVER agree to voluntarily cut my beautiful long locks that fully crown my head. Why? Because most dudes half my age have already slipped down the Nightmare on Bald Mountain – sorry, but I ain’t taking the chance that my hair may not grow back! "Stripped" offered an opportunity for an important dialogue in this class-in-denial community of Washington, D.C., about the last taboo subject of public conversation in America: class and its privileges in the upper spectrum. It’s too bad the Washington Post did not engage this conversation by allowing for a wide diversity of opinions to be published in response to their article about the performance and Melissa’s follow-up Op-Ed. I don’t know what her intent really was, but kudos to Melissa for putting the conversation on the table.

10. Best Erotic Female Photographer Who Photographs Herself and Graces Us with Those Beautiful Images on Her Art Blog — Tracy Lee for Angstbabe. Folks, Brother James encourages you to risk being fired from your day job by daring to daily drink from the libertine well of beauty that is Tracy’s vision. Do whatever you have to do to unfilter those overly sensitive corporate and government porn filters. Tech-savvy help is available at every Starbucks in the metro D.C. region. There are more overpaid easily tempted I-dare-you-to-do-it ego challenged techno-nerds in this area that would be happy to help you hack through supposedly impenetrable security systems to increase your viewing pleasure than there are Southern Baptists at a prostitution convention at the Bunny Ranch out in Nevada. The artist/humanist Joseph Bueys said "To make people free is the aim of art; therefore art for me is the science of freedom." Tracy offers free online Ph.D.s in the science of artistic freedom on her site. We should all be taking advantage of this opportunity to upgrade the educational lines on our resumes.

Bailey, Bailey, Bailey...

Faith Flannagan's Top 10

Faith Flannagan is both a collector, an arts activist and a well-known arts persona around our town(s). Herewith her top ten 2005 DC area visual art shows (Nepotista declaration: Faith passes that she's on the board of DCAC and has also purchased work by some of these artists and they are listed in no particular order):

· Mary Coble, Note to Self @ Conner Contemporary Art
· Mary Early, Sculpture @ Hemphill Fine Art
· Empire of Sighs @ Numark Gallery, curated by Andrea Pollan
· Dylan Scholinski, sent(2)mental @ Nevin Kelly
· Sean Scully, Wall of Light @ The Phillips Collection, curated by Stephen Bennett Phillips
· Noelle Tan, Latent @ District of Columbia Arts Center, curated by Paul Roth
· Kelly Towles, Underdog @ Adamson
· Visual Music @ Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden
· Ian Whitmore, Mirror Mirror @ Fusebox
· Kehinde Wiley, White @ Conner Contemporary Art, curated by Scenic / Simon Watson

Worthy of Note:

· Blast @ G Fine Art, curated by Paul Brewer
· Found Sound, curated by Welmoed Laanstra
· Little Creatures @ Transformer Gallery
· Points of Departure @ District of Columbia Arts Center (Nathan Manuel and D. Billy), curated by Trish Tillman
· Traveling with Gulliver @ District of Columbia Arts Center (Alan Callander, Ian Jehle and Karen Joan Topping).