Monday, March 08, 2010

Casablanca

Claude Rains (Louis): What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?

Humphrey Bogart (Rick):
My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.

Claude Rains (Louis): The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.

Humphrey Bogart (Rick): I was misinformed.

Campello reviewed

Not me but my daughter Elise in The Wedding Singer:

The uber stand out was Elise Campello as Julia Sullivan. She is such a full package of talent. She brings everything to the show and makes it a tour-de-force every time the lights come on the stage.
Read the review here.

Contemporary Art Projects to Debut

Remember that I told you that the former Numark space was about to be re-used as a gallery space?

Amy Morton of Morton Fine Art introduces a pop-up project, a series of innovative, curated art exhibitions and events that “pop-up” at various locations throughout Washington, DC.

The concept for a pop-up project evolved from Morton’s desire to introduce strong and relevant contemporary artists to the Washington, DC area in a fresh and exciting format. The project emphasizes the development and exposure of high-quality contemporary artworks in innovative settings and locations. a pop-up project aims to develop and promote local DC talent alongside national talent.

a pop-up project will host pop-up group exhibitions, lectures and events at venues throughout the DC area. For its inaugural exhibition a pop-up project will open I Dream Awake from March 18 to May 28, 2010 in the former Numark Gallery space located in Penn Quarter at 625-627 E St NW.

I Dream Awake is a curated selection of works that presents original artist expressions which explore the link between awakened realities and unconscious dreams. The exhibition includes artwork in various media by New York artists, Mikel Glass, Kenichi Hoshine and Margaret Bowland; Los Angeles artists Vonn Sumner and Susan Burnstine; and local artists Rosemary Feit Covey, Laurel Hausler, Lizzie Newton and Tim Tate.
The formal opening reception with the artists in attendance will be held on Friday, March 26th from 6 - 9pm.

Congrats!

To the 32 finalists for the Mayor's Arts Awards! Congrats especially to the WPA, Margery Goldberg, Transformer and Andrew Wodzianski on their respective noms!

Finalists for the 25th Annual Mayor’s Arts Awards

EXCELLENCE IN AN ARTISTIC DISCIPLINE

· Cathedral Choral Society

· Ira Blount

· Lawrence Bradford

· Pan American Symphony Orchestra

· Peter Waddell

· Step Afrika!

· The Suzanne Farrell Ballet

· Theater Alliance of Washington, DC

· Transformer

EXCELLENCE IN SERVICE TO THE ARTS

· Dance/Metro DC

· Kim Roberts

· Margery E. Goldberg

· Washington Project for the Arts

INNOVATION IN THE ARTS

· Daniel Phoenix Singh

· FOTOWEEK DC

· GALA Hispanic Theatre

· Miriam’s Kitchen

· Taffety Punk Theatre Company

· The Theatre Lab School of the Dramatic Arts

· VelocityDC Dance Festival

OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO ARTS EDUCATION

· CityDance Ensemble, Inc.

· Duke Ellington School of the Arts

· The Shakespeare Theatre Company

· The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts/Education Department

· The Washington Ballet

· Washington Performing Arts Society

OUTSTANDING EMERGING ARTIST

· Andrew Wodzianski

· Brian W. Grundstrom

· Sarah Elizabeth Koss

· Helanius J. Wilkins

· Luciana Stecconi

· Michelle Herman

Finalists for the Mayor’s Award for Arts Teaching

PERFORMING ARTS

· Gregory E. Lewis

· Premila Mistry

· Thomas Kingston Pierre, Jr.

· Rebecca Stump

· Benjamin Whelan-Morin

LANGUAGE ARTS

· Kathy Echave

· Mark A. Williams

VISUAL ARTS

· Stephanie Basralian

· Daniel A. Foley

· Eric Michael Ginsburg

· Bill Harris

· Charles Jean-Pierre

· Vinson Irby

· Andrea Perll

· Lindy Russell-Heymann

Cudlin on the Armory Show

My good bud Jeffry Cudlin has his take on last weekend's Armory show in NYC. Read it here.

What is it with visual art critics who are always yearning for the "new"? - that dangling carrot of the art world... I mean the "visual art world" - that doesn't seem to apply to any of the other genres and forms of art as universally speaking as to what critics want from visual artists.

I refer them all to the lyrics of The Beatles' All You Need is Love.

Got to go and find my Janson's for some ideas for some new drawings...

Wanna go to a Georgetown Opening this week

"Kinetics" is the latest solo show by the DC area's superbly talented artist Amy Lin.

The opening reception is on Saturday, March 13, 5-7pm at Addison/Ripley Fine Art, 1670 Wisconsin Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20007. The exhibition dates: March 13-April 24, 2010.

Buy Amy Lin now.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Cream at the Katzen

Last night's Cream auction on at the Katzen Museum appeared to be a resounding success and the place was once again packed by the DMV's top notch art collectors and assorted A-listers of the art scene.

My piece in the auction did quite well, with many bids and finally going for three bids over the high estimate (I think). Check out the artwork here and check out some images below.

Philippa Hughes and Alida Anderson


Pink Line Project's Philippa P.B. Hughes and Little June's Mom

m. gert barkovich and Mera Rubell

Mera Rubell (in the Warhol wig) and artist m. gert barkovic

Lenny Campello and Mera Rubell

That's me and Mera Rubell

Judy Byron and Victoria F. Gaitan

Artists Victoria F. Gaitán and Judy Byron

Andrea Pollan, Jeff Spaulding and Andrew Wodzianski

Artist Andrew Wodzianski, Curator's Office Andrea Pollan and artist Jeff Spaulding

Artists' Interview: Amy Lin

For a couple of years now I've been advising readers who are art collectors to buy Amy Lin. Coming from a dude who gets paid to advise three major art collectors on what to buy, that should count for something. Lin is a very talented and exceptional young artist; but there are loads of those around. So what makes this young DC area artist so special? She has received tremendous critical accolades from the press in nearly all her shows and her past exhibitions have almost all sold out. In that spirit we asked her a few of our standard questions:

DC: Who or what has been your biggest influence as an artist?

The drawings for my upcoming show "Kinetics" [at Addison/Ripley in Georgetown] have connections to scientific concepts including energy, motion, and genetics. But on another level they have a human quality and can be seen as people or societies.

DC: What are some of the challenges or mistakes that you have experienced as an artist and what did you learn from it?

One of the challenges I’ve had was that I didn’t go to art school so I didn’t have any formal training or know very many people in the art world to ask for advice. I’ve been trying to learn as much as possible along the way and am very thankful to everyone who has curated me into a show, written about my work, or come to see a show!

DC: What key event, or person, if any, has attributed the most to your success or progress as an artist so far?

My first solo show was a big milestone. I had been in several group shows before, but this was the first time I had created a cohesive body of work and concept for the drawings.

DC: What advice would you give to emerging artists?

I would tell other emerging artists to believe in their art and stay true to it regardless of whether other people like it or not. It’s normal to get lots of rejections.

DC: Who is your favorite DC area artist?

Mary Coble is one of my favorites. When I first moved to the DC area she was one of the first artists I learned about...Her work is smart and interesting.

DC: Anything coming up in the near future for you?

My next solo show “Kinetics” opens on Saturday March 13, 5-7pm at Addison/Ripley Fine Art. And I’m in a group show “On/Off the Grid” that is at Irvine Contemporary through March 20.

Amy Lin - Synthesis


Amy Lin Synthesis


You can visit Amy's website here or become one of her fans on Facebook here.

Wanna go to an opening in Alexandria tomorrow?

During her tenure as a figure model for The Art League School, Fierce Sonia quietly acquired a top-notch visual arts education. Motivated by the artwork she saw, she became eager to create her own work. She cabled her camera to her TV and released the shutter with an infrared remote. Sonia used herself as her own model, learning more about composition and technique based on what she saw on the screen.

Her figurative photography has evolved to a new and exciting place. The focus is on process. In Sonia’s latest series “Paper Dolls,” the same images reoccur with confident changes to the surface. Her work is no longer straight photography. With the integration of painting and collage into her images, Sonia’s work has reached a new level.

The black and white images of herself are often printed on paper that has been painted white, which creates a rich texture. Each piece is created in a unique way. Previous prints may be collaged to create depth. Multiple runs of the same print may be made on the same piece. More painting, layering might be necessary to create the desired effect. These alterations to the surface blur the identity of the original image, and make the series of work about the medium and the process, and not about the subject matter.

Sonia’s work has been exhibited and won accolades nationally. She is a professional art model and muse for artists and photographers and has worked with nationally and internationally known artists.
“Paper Dolls” will be at The Art League Gallery in Old Town Alexandria from April 8 – May 3, 2010.

The Opening Reception and Meet the Artist function is Thursday, April 8, 6:30-8:00 pm. Joe Chiocca, Old Town’s favorite band, will play during the Opening Reception and reunite with special guest singer Kim Kenny. Free and open to the public.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

The Irascible 18

A few days ago, when discussing the Mera Rubell talk at the Katzen, and her selection of 16 DC area artists being dubbed by the Washington Post as the "Sweet 16", I suggested that it would be a good idea for a DC glossy, like DC Modern Luxury for example, to hire a sharp photographer to assemble us 16 and re-do a modern version of the pose in Life Magazine's famous "Irascibles" photograph.

Life magazine - The irascible 18
The photograph was taken by Nina Leen (January 15, 1951), and appeared in Life magazine. This very famous photo, known as the photo of "The Irascibles " shows 15 of the 18 Abstract Expressionist painters:

Jackson Pollock (1912-1956)
Barnett Newman (1905-1970)
Willem De Kooning (1904-1997)
Clyfford Still ( 1904-1980)
Adolph Gottlieb (1903-1974)
Ad Reinhardt (1913-1967)
Robert Motherwell (1915-1991)
Mark Rothko ( 1903-1970)
William Baziotes (1912-1963)
James Brooks (1906-1992)
Jimmy Ernst (1920-1984)
Theodoros Stamos (1922-1997)
Bradley Walker Tomlin (1899-1953)
Richard Poussette-Dart (1916-1992)
Hedda Sterne (1910)
The photograph caption reads:
IRASCIBLE GROUP OF ADVANCED ARTISTS LED FIGHT AGAINST SHOW

The solemn people above, along with three others, made up the group of “irascible” artists who raised the biggest fuss about the Metropolitan’s competition (following pages). All representatives of advanced art, they paint in styles which vary from the dribblings of Pollock (LIFE, Aug. 8, 1949) to the Cyclopean phantoms of Baziotes, and all have distrusted the museum since its director likened them to “flat-chested” pelicans “strutting upon the intellectual wastelands.” From left, rear, they are: Willem de Kooning, Adolph Gottlieb, Ad Reinhardt, Hedda Sterne; (next row) Richard Pousette-Dart, William Baziotes, Jimmy Ernst (with bow tie), Jackson Pollock (in striped jacket), James Brooks, Clyfford Still (leaning on knee), Robert Motherwell, Bradley Walker Tomlin; (in foreground) Theodoros Stamos (on bench), Barnett Newman (on stool), Mark Rothko (with glasses). Their revolt and subsequent boycott of the show was in keeping with an old tradition among avant-garde artists. French painters in 1874 rebelled against their official juries and held the first impressionist exhibition. U.S. artists in 1908 broke with the National Academy jury to launch the famous Ashcan School. The effect of the revolt of the “irascible” remains to be seen, but it did appear to have needled the Metropolitan’s juries into turning more than half the show into a free-for-all of modern art.
Someone once told me that originally there were only men in the group, and the photographer (I think) insisted on having a woman as well, and Hedda Sterne, who throughout her career maintained a stubborn independence from styles and trends, was brought in for the photo shoot, even though she wasn't one of the signers of the letter to the Met.

Thus my brilliant marketing idea of the "Sweet 16" recreating the above photo for a DC magazine. I got dibs on Richard Pousette-Dart's cool pose on the second row from the back.

Gopnik on the Whitney Biennial

"I see hints, at least, that we're a country that just spent something like a trillion dollars and more than 3,000 lives so that a foreign nation's sects can once again be free to bash each other. And I see a country that is still hemorrhaging blood and funds in the fond hope that another foreign nation, dysfunctional and misogynist, can be kept from fully imploding.

Here at home, I see the richest nation in history being so obsessed with getting back to still more growth -- so that the rich among us can have a yet bigger house or plasma screen -- that it won't spend money to rescue a neighbor's health, a crumbling bridge or our children's planet. Most important -- if not in the details of this biennial, then in the overriding spirit of so much of its art -- I also see a country that recognizes that all this is some kind of a problem but feels as though it's powerless to do anything about it -- except take solace in that bigger home or screen."
Not all of it sounds like a Keith Olberman rant; read the rest of the review by the Washington Post's Chief Art Critic here.

DCist Exposed is tonight!

DCist Exposed
This year's opening reception for this top photography show will be bigger and better than ever, and will be held on Saturday, March 6, 2010 from 6 to 10 p.m. At the bar, mixologist Scott Palmer from Dino will have a special punch, Leopold Brothers will host a liquor tasting, Downey Selections has some wine for attendees, and Pabst Blue Ribbon will hold down the fort with plenty of beer. Nage will provide hor'dourves, while DJs v:shal kanwar and Sequoia spin tunes. Reception is $5 per guest at the door.

Long View Gallery is located at 1234 9th St. NW, just a few blocks from the Mt. Vernon/Convention Center Metro.

At the Lee Arts Center

I've been hearing some good things about the Kevin Mellema solo show, consisting of eight of his large scale figure drawings, at the Lee Arts Center on Lee Highway in Arlington.

They will have a closing reception from 6:30 to 8:30 pm on Wednesday, March 24, 2010. I will try to check it out.

Lee Arts Center
5722 Lee Highway Arlington, VA 22207
Phone: 703-228-0560
Fax: 703-228-0559
email: leearts@arlingtonva.us

Lee Center Hours:
Monday & Friday: 9:30 am - 6 pm
Tuesday - Thursday: 9:30 am - 9 pm
Saturday: 9:30 am - 5 pm
Sunday: Closed

Friday, March 05, 2010

Opportunity for Photographers

Deadline: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 7PM



Click here for details, and if you've shot pics of DC, then you've got no excuse not to enter this!

Like the Census, they seek portraits representing people of all ages, all four races, and the many ethnic groups in each quadrant of the city.

Fifty-one portraits will be selected and exhibited.

A couple of openings tonight...

Foundry Gallery and the Kurdistan Regional Government Office in the District of Columbia will be sponsoring a show of the work of Kurdish artists. Exhibit Dates: March 3 - 28 and the Opening Reception is tonight, Friday, March 5, 6 to 8PM. Foundry is also welcoming applications for new members. For information on membership and how to apply, please click here.

Up and coming artist Elena Patiño is one of the artists showing at the Hillyer Art Space show which opens tonight. Keep an eye on this refreshing new artist. First Friday Reception: Friday, March 5th, 2010, 6-9PM.

Congrats!

To DC area artist Terry Ward for recently having had the honor to hang with the famous Arnaldo Pomodoro (the maker of those bronze spheres in cities and museums worldwide).

Ward's 2009 mixed-media Begotten, Forgotten panels (pics here and an essayhere) were on the "Rothko stripe" wall behind Pomodoro's 1962 bronze Traveler's Column (on loan from the Hirshhorn Museum) at the new gallery building at Smithsonian-affiliated Annmarie Garden and Sculpture Park until March.

Opportunity for Curators

Deadline: Friday, April 2nd, 2010 - 5:00pm

Call for Exhibition Proposals: 39th Street Gallery at the Gateway Arts Center at Brentwood.

The 39th Street Gallery at the Gateway Arts Center at Brentwood is currently seeking proposals from artists and curators nationwide for an exhibition to take place May 10-June 25, 2010. Proposals may be for a self-curated solo show or a curated group exhibition. All original artwork in any media, including installations, will be considered.

Application deadline: Friday, April 2nd, 2010 - 5:00pm

Dates:
* Exhibition duration: May 10 - June 25, 2010
* Application deadline: Friday, April 2, 2010. Applications must be received by 5:00 pm at the Gateway CDC office, address below.
* Notification: by April 10, 2010 via email. Materials will be returned at the artist's or curator's request if SASE provided.
* Reception: To be arranged according to needs of exhibition.

About the Center: The Gateway Arts Center at Brentwood (GAC@B) is a multi-faceted facility dedicated to the production, exhibition and programming of visual art. The center serves as a dynamic resource for artists and a vibrant, creative social experience reflecting and engaging a diverse community.

The GAC@B houses the 39th Street Gallery and Project Space, twelve artist studios, the Prince George's African American Museum & Cultural Center, and The Brentwood Art Exchange operated by the Maryland-National Capital Park & Planning Commission. The GAC@B is a place for people of all ages to meet, engage and learn about art.

About the 39th Street Gallery and Project Space: The 39th Street Gallery is dedicated to fostering innovative, creative exhibitions and projects that engage artists, curators, critics and the public in a contemporary art dialogue. An artists advisory group reviews proposals at stated deadlines and on an ongoing basis.

The gallery is 450 square feet; floor plans are available at this website. It features high, open ceilings, a bank of windows along the southwest wall, track lighting, and pristine white walls. There is close access to the loading dock, just outside gallery entrance.

Gallery hours: At present, the Gateway CDC can staff three shifts weekly; Thursday and Friday evenings from 7-9pm, and Saturday afternoon from 12-4pm. The artist may open the gallery for additional hours, pending staff approval.

Honorarium: The artist(s) or guest curator will receive up to $500 honorarium.

Commission: Gateway CDC will take 25% commission on sales during or as a direct result of this exhibition.

Applications: You may apply by mail, drop-off or email to address provided below. Artists and curators interested in submitting work for exhibition consideration should send all of the following:

1) A statement about the proposed exhibition, one page maximum.

2) A CV or resume that includes contact information.

3) Work samples: 10-15 images provided via CD-ROM or weblink. Web images should DIRECTLY support this proposal, do not send a link to your whole website.

4) List of works. This should clearly correspond to images. Please indicate title, date, media, dimensions and price or insurance values as appropriate.

GUIDELINES FOR DIGITAL FILES

· Name each file according to the following format: "last name" underscore

"document". Example: jones_statement.pdf.

· Please number each image file corresponding to the list of works.

Example: 01_jones_untitled.jpg.

· Image files should not be larger than 1MB, and should be formatted as jpeg.

· Video and audio submissions may be submitted as a DVD, or on a CD and formatted as Quicktime, Windows Media, .wav, or .mpeg files, as appropriate.

Send to:

39th Street Gallery and Project Space Proposals
Gateway CDC office
4102 Webster Street
North Brentwood, MD 20722

For more information contact John Paradiso via email (john@gateway-cdc.org) or phone (301-864-3860 ext. 3) or visit this website.

New website

Isabel Manalao's wonderful The Studio Visit website has a new URL: www.thestudiovisit.com. Visit often!

G40: The Summit Opens tomorrow

An unprecedented gathering of underground artists convenes in the Washington, DC metro area (in Crystal City) this month. In an artistic interpretation of the G-20 political summit, G-40:The Summit will occupy 75,000 square feet of exhibit space on four floors of an empty office building in Crystal City. The Grand Opening is Saturday, March 6th from 8 p.m. - 12 a.m.

Each region-themed floor will have 10-30 featured artists who will activate the space with murals and installations. G-40: The Summit is curated by Art Whino.

The mission of G-40: The Summit is to bring the leaders of the New Brow genre of contemporary underground art together in an effort to explore, discuss and grow this movement, which features influences like comics, graffiti, skate and surf culture and punk art to push the edges of artistic expression and appreciation. Different hubs of the New Brow movement will be showcased at G-40 including DC, New York, and California, in addition to international work.

Throughout the month of the exhibit, G-40 will host musical and visual performances, lectures, and more. From live mural painting to resident DJ’s, G-40:The Summit presents a dynamic new gallery experience bringing visionary artists from across the world together.
What:

G-40: The Summit – a dynamic, contemporary, art exhibit featuring curated works from artists around the world. There will also be visual and musical performances.

Five floors of exhibition space, including a lobby lounge, New York gallery, Washington, DC gallery, California gallery and an international gallery.

Who: Over 400 contemporary artists from across the country and around the world.
Where: 223 23rd St. Arlington, VA 22202

Metro Accessible – Crystal City
Distance from Washington, DC: 2 miles
When: March 3 – 27, 2010
Wednesdays & Thursdays: 5-10 p.m.
Fridays: 5 p.m.-12 a.m.
Saturdays: 12 p.m. -12 a.m.
Sundays: 12 p.m. – 6 p.m.
Mondays & Tuesdays: Closed

Public Preview with Live Painting: Wednesday, March 3rd 5-10 p.m.
First Friday: Friday, March 5th 5 p.m.-12 a.m.
Grand Opening: Saturday March 6th 8 p.m. - 12 a.m.
Tickets: No ticket is necessary - the event is free and open to the public

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Tentacles (A man, an axe and a doctor: A tale of pain and art)

One of the blog posts that I get the most emails about is this horror story from 2005. Here it is again:

Someone who was raised in Brooklyn shouldn’t own, and much less, try to use an axe.

What follows is a true tale of horror, of entropy and the second law of thermodynamics, of chaos and order, of the laws of the universe, of near death, of irony, of music, and ultimately of a new form of art. All of the characters are real, and if I could remember their names, I would name them.

I begin.

The back of my house has a rather wooded large area with many trees, and it also backs into an even larger wooded common area that I share with my neighbors. I am really a big fan of warm cozy fires, and during the winter I usually light one up every night.my fireplace

A while back I went around and collected a lot of wood from fallen branches and also a lot of wood from a tree that had fallen months earlier. This wood had been cut, but needed splitting, so I bought an axe to split the wood myself.

How hard could this be? After all, I remember how President Reagan, while he was in office, was so fond of being filmed splitting wood in his ranch in California. If an 80-year-old President could do it, and make it look so easy, then surely a virile 40something could do it as well.

So I went to my local hardware store and bought an axe.

Act One, Scene I

It was a day much like many other balmy December days we’ve been having this winter. There was a little chill in the air, but more like a spring day than a winter day. I had gathered quite a haul of neatly cut sections of the tree trunk, each about nine to twelve inches in diameter, and I had placed them to the side of a large tree stump, which I planned to use as the base to split the firewood. the tree stump

The ground was wet and the grass was moist, as it had been raining the previous few days, but although the radio had announced that there would be rain later, I thought that I would have a couple of hours to split all the wood before it began to rain.

I would be good exercise as well.

Gloves in hand, I placed the first piece of wood on the stump, took one or two slow –motion practice tries, just to get the motion and aim right, and then took my first mighty swing of the axe.

There are some instances on this planet, when the laws of gravity seem to take a couple of nanoseconds off. Like when one is walking down a path, and a rock, as if by magic, jumps from the ground and lands inside your shoe. How does that happen? Is it evidence of magic? Time travel? Even if one considers a viable explanation, the most common of which is that the other shoe kicks the rock into the partner shoe, it takes some extraordinary physics and flight acrobatics to imagine a rock being kicked by one shoe, flying sideways through the air as you walk on and sliding into the other shoe. I prefer to believe that the rocks jump straight up and floats into the shoe.

the axe of this taleAnyway... back to my story.

The violent action of swinging the axe to split the firewood must have caused a ripple in the time space continuum, for otherwise I cannot imagine or recreate what followed next.

For one thing, I completely missed the firewood waiting to be split and barely nicked the edge of the tree stump. But this bare touching of the tree stump must have caused a tremendous vector change in the arc of the axe swing, and to add more physics to the event, the brand new axe, (with its nice slippery handle, aided by my brand new - and even more slippery - cotton gardening gloves (I should have used leather work gloves)) slipped away from me.

And aided by the wet grass under my feet, I lost my footing and slipped towards the oncoming axe. At some point, I suspect that both the axe and I were completely airborne and approaching each other in perfect flight synchronicity.

And in some incomprehensible act of flying physics, the axe went in a perfect flight pattern back towards me and between my legs.

Act One, Scene II

The axe blade missed my family jewels – barely.

I know this because I still have balls and because the tip of the blade nicked the small of my back. But I came as close to being a eunuch as anyone in the history of mankind has come; but the blade missed.

But the top of the handle didn’t miss and it crushed my balls.

Before I describe the pain, let me tell you that I've been kicked in the balls more than once. I have been an avid student and practicioner of the martial arts since I was 13 years old, and have competed in many full contact tournaments, and have been accidentally kicked in the balls many times. I have also had my share of juvenile and drunken sailor fist fights, where someone's foot or fist has delivered a painful blow to my genitals. And it does hurt intensely!

But this axe handle crushing my privates was a new dimension in pain.

And this new pain took on a new meaning as I collapsed onto the wet, muddy ground.

It was an almost exquisite pain, with shape, form, smell and incredibly enough, fireballs of vivid color dancing to music. During this time, I had a vision of how Christ and Jimmy Hoffa truly died; in fact I learned how every fucking thing in the Universe has died, and how every living entity in this Universe and the other infinite Einsteinian numbers of Universes will die. And in all cases, their death involved or will involve an axe.

Time ceased to flow, or perhaps it simply slowed down in order to make my agony more intense, which by the way, would have been impossible, as I had already maxxed out the agony scale for mankind.

And I know this is silly, but I swear that I heard the music from Guns & Roses’ Sweet Child of Mine emanating, in perfect tune to the pain, from my brutalized gonads; especially the part where the bag pipes come in.

Thus I do not know how long I agonized on the forest floor. A wet tongue belonging to Yoda, my neighbor’s dog, whimpering as he obviously felt my pain, resuscitated me.

I opened my eyes for the first time since I fell, and looked at Yoda’s handsome face. "Yoda," I whispered between clenched teeth, "kill me." He looked at me with his intelligent eyes and licked my face again. "Please bite my neck," I begged. "Kill me now!"

Yoda twisted his head in that almost human way in which dogs do, and walked away. For a minute there I thought that the stupid beast had gone to fetch a stick to play with, as he loves to fetch sticks. Had he done this, I would have kicked him in his balls. But he just vanished from my sight and then started to bark outside my neighbor’s back door.

By now the pain had diminished to a white searing pain on a planetary scale equivalent to a thermonuclear device being exploted at the core of the Earth, so the word diminished is quite bogus in this sentence. But, I sincerely wanted to find out how much damage I had done, and since by now my pants were quite soaked from the wet ground and the mud, I needed to check to see if I was bleeding.

Act One, Scene III

So I unbuttoned my pants, lowered them in agonizing ecstasy, and reached down to feel the state of my boys.

Which is precisely the moment that my neighbor, apparently being brought to the scene by Lassie-wannabe Yoda’s barking, made her appearance, as I am feeling my bruised sacs.

my neighbor lady My neighbor is a very nice old lady who has a remarkable likeness to Grandpa Munster, and I think that she’s originally from Sweden, and she has a lovely and thick accent, and from the expression on her face, I realized that she was slightly concerned at finding a muddy man, laying on the wet ground, pants down to his ankles and fingers probing around his privates.

So I rationalized (the brain is an incredible asset) that I'd better explain, although the last fucking thing that I wanted to do at that moment was to chat with this Grandpa Munster look-a-like. But I figured that if I didn’t explain, she’d make a bat-line to her phone and report me to the vice squad.

And being the super nice lady that she is, she tried to hide her laughter, and understood, and asked me if I wanted her to call an ambulance. "Tentacles," she said (and she did say "tentacles" instead of "testicles"), "are very fragile."

"No shit Grandpa Munster,"
I felt like saying, but instead I moaned to her that it was OK, and that I’d drive myself down to the hospital.

It had begun to sprinkle, so she wished me luck and went back to her house.

And then it really began to rain; hard, cold rain.

And then the act of crawling back to my house became another exercise in agony, as I discovered that (a) I couldn’t walk because of the pain and (b) I couldn’t crawl on my knees, because of the pressure on my jewels.

So I sort of "rolled" towards my house, and then developed a sort of walking on all fours, legs quite widespread and putting most of the weight on my hands, as the rain fell on me.

So I finally make it to the house, thoroughly soaked and quite covered in mud. And (of course) the day before I had cleaned my house from top to bottom, and the thought of the irony of this alignment of misfortunes dawned on me as I muddied the floor of my pristine home.

I debated whether to change clothes or not, and decided that it would be impossible for me to physically remove my shoes, as my boys had by now begun to swell to an impressive size, and any pressure on them caused me to yelp like a newborn child. So I grabbed a towel from the laundry room, crawled to my van, put the towel on the seat, and climbed in to an internal symphony of new pains.

And I began the drive to the hospital emergency room.

Act Two, Scene I

Sometimes the lights on Democracy Boulevard align in timing so that one can go all the way from Seven Locks to Old Georgetown Road without hitting a single light.

Other times, a driver hits every goddamned light on the road.

Guess which of these two cycles of light synchronicity was to be my fate on that painful day?

Yep! Stop at every light, and to make matters worse, I couldn’t really "sit down" and was actually driving while holding most of my weight on one hand pushing against the car seat in order to attempt to float me above it, all the while leaning forward, sort of the way that scary old people in Florida drive.

I eventually pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, and of course there is not one single parking spot available on the ER area, so I have to park in the lot across the street, and do my crawling on all fours routine, in the rain, across the road, which as some of you may know, is quite a busy road. However, since Yoda had failed to kill me, I was somewhat hoping that I’d get run over by a car, and mercifully have it put an end to my agony.

But no one ran me over, although several cars did slow down, but I suspect it was so that they could get a look at the idiot crawling on all fours across the road, in the rain.

But in due time, I did arrive at the entrance to the ER, and at the very last minute I almost did get run over by an ambulance, bringing in someone with a medical emergency.

And so I finally enter the ER, muddy, wet, cold and still in spectacular pain.

Act Two, Scene II

I imagine that most ER personnel have seen just about everything that humankind has to offer in terms of shock, but by the alarmed expression on the male nurse at the check-in station, it was clear that he was somewhat concerned by my appearance and by my manner of movement on all fours; I also noticed that the security guard was also somewhat alarmed (and armed).

He asked me what the problem was, and as I explained what happened, both this Gaylord Focker wannabe and the guard, who had drifted within earshot, actually had the gall to burst out laughing.

And I made a silent promise to myself that in a few weeks, if I survived this ordeal, I would hunt Nurse Focker-wannabe and kick him in the nuts.

So after the whole delay of data input and insurance verification, Nurse Focker tells me to have a seat, and wait, as the doctors (plural) are all attending the patient who had just come in via the ambulance.

"What’s his problem?" I asked, not out of concern, but thinking that there are precious few emergencies in the world that could take precedence over my distress.

And Nurse Focker explains that the patient is a 96-year-old-man who’s having a heart attack.

And I’m really close to start debating that at 96, he’s had a good life, and he's probably caused his own heart attack because of Viagra, so let this geezer go and assign me a doctor, preferably well armed with a needle full of painkiller. But I hold my tongue, and wait in my own private water puddle.

Several ice ages later, Nurse Focker says that I am to be seen, and asks me if I have a preference for a doctor. In retrospect, I think that he was asking me if I wanted a male or female doctor, but by now my social graces had completely vanished, and I told him that I’d like Dr. Kavorkian. He didn’t laugh.

I am then taken to the back, and told to undress, put one of those silly robes that show your ass, and sit on the bed and wait for the doctor. Somehow I managed to undress on my own, and laid on the bed, with my legs bent and wide open, much like a woman waiting for her gynecologist.

A little while later, the curtains open and the doctor comes in: A female doctor, of course, probably picked by Nurse Focker to make my life more miserable.

And not just any female doctor, but probably the only female doctor who had also been a body extra in Baywatch. And to my utter amazement, in the middle of this intense agony, my sick male brain still finds time to align a couple of thought patterns that whisper inside my head: "WOW, she’s hot!" before resuming sending new and novel pain patterns to my groin area.

"What have we got here?" she asks using the imperial "we" that annoying doctors like to use.

"We, doc," says I, devoid of any social skills by this point, "have a serious fucking case of smashed balls, and an even more serious need for some potent pain killer." And I begin explaining what happened.

And just like Nurse Focker and the rent-a-cop a few minutes earlier, Dr. Carmen Electra, Medicine Woman bursts out laughing while she’s probing and feeling down there, hands encased in latex gloves.

Laughter induced watery-eyes and all, she then tells me that it looks like there’s no internal injuries, but that she’ll order a scan to double check, and that I need to ice down my groin area in order to reduce the swelling. "You’ll be OK in a few days."

Pheeew!

I thank her, and ask about a shot for the pain. To my astonishment she says that just a couple of Tylenols should do the trick. "Doc," I plead, "I am in really in some aggravating bad pain here."

"Don’t be such a baby," she responds, "You should try childbirth if you want to know what real pain is."

She’s lucky she’s a woman; otherwise I definitely would have kicked her in the balls.

Act Two, Scene III

A few days later, and things appear to be back to normal; I’ve been telling people that I have a back pain, and thus the strained walk.

And at some point, it dawns on me that the whole sequence of events, with the improbable occurrences, the diverse set of characters, and the Three Stoogian physicality of the act, is a new kind of art; a new kind of performance art that is, where really spectacular true events of common daily life assume astronomic personal presence and thus cross the border into a personal artistic quality, the like of which will never be repeated by any other soul on this planet.

So my performance piece is over: I call it Tentacles (not Testicles).